Social and political commentator, Malaika Mahlatsi sparked a very interesting and long dialogue on her Facebook page, after she stated that she would never date a broke man.
She also advised ladies that if they know what’s good for themselves they shouldn’t date a man who is lacking in the financial department for a several reasons which have nothing to do with materialism.
Malaika’s post had a lot of people, especially men in their feelings, with some getting offensive in the comments however it was lauded by the ladies big time.
She had this to say
I will not date a broke man. I will not do it. And I say this as a woman who is conscious of the prevailing material conditions that make it difficult for Black men in particular to be upward mobile. I say it conscious of the structural constructs that create an impediment to Black men being economically active.
I say it conscious of how Black men have been hurled at the margins of existence. I’m also aware that being a 28 year old Black woman who has some assets, including my own property in one of the best suburbs of Johannesburg, is uncommon in a society where Black people are systematically infanticised and disenfranchised.
So I am aware that I am assuming a classist posture. And knowing this, I still say with uncompromising conviction that I will not date a broke man.
One of the most dangerous results of being socialised in a heteronormative patriarchal society is that men have a warped sense of what masculinity must look like.
This is especially true of Black men who are raised with deeply problematic ideas about what manhood is, and therefore how women should respond to it. Men, when they’re unable to perform this masculinity that demands them to be providers and the “head of the family”, resort to other means through which to assert that manhood. In return, women are expected to also participate in this performance.
Many financially secure women who have dated broke men will tell you horrific stories about the psychological abuse that they have suffered in the hands of these men, and the many instances where they have had to self-immolate in order to accommodate the shortcomings of such men.
It expresses itself in different ways, but mainly in how these women often have to be ultra domesticated in order to demonstrate that while they are indeed the breadwinners, they’re still the “neck”.
You are constantly having to affirm the man’s manhood by subordinating yourself, at all times paralysed by the fear of offending lest you be accused of doing so because you’re the one bringing the bacon home. And perhaps the worst trait of broke men is their commitment to non-existent victimhood.
They believe that their only problem is that they are broke when in reality, it is that like most Black men, they have healing to do which they’re unwilling to acknowledge. So it is easier to claim that they are being disrespected because they’re poor, rather than because they’re themselves fundamentally flawed.
So personally, I am no longer willing to do the emotional labour that broke men demand of women. I’m unwilling to constantly have to perform femininity in order to enable a man’s fragile masculinity to find expression. I’m unwilling to be with a man I cannot radically differ with, or small things like telling him that I don’t want to cook that week, out of fear that he will say I’m undermining him on the basis of my having the financial muscle.
There are very few men whose masculinity is not attached to the benefits of patriarchy. I have never and do not expect a man to give me his money or take care of me. I make my own money. I pay my own bills. If a man gives me money then that’s fine, but I have never asked a partner for money and I certainly do not expect it.
So, I don’t want a man to be financially stable so that he can take care of me, I want him to be financially stable so that he can take care of himself. He must be stable so that it is clear that his problem is not that he’s broke, but that he’s broken and needs to invest the mental and emotional labour demanded to heal.
Men cannot continue to want patriarchy when they are benefitting but reject aspects of it that oppress them. They must learn that patriarchy is unreasonable and unsustainable for everyone.
Until and unless they learn this, they must expect no understanding or favours from their victims. This is my position and I stand by it unapologetically. I, Malaika Mahlatsi, will not date a broke man. I will walk out of that relationship before it even marks one month on a calendar, and I will feel nothing. I will not date a broke man. This is a hill I’m prepared to die on.
By Malaika Mahlatsi
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